>> +permakid thoughts+ <<

i would consider my gender and age feelings to be the same thing, since they both relate to how i see my body/ want to be seen by others. they both play off each other and are sometimes at odds with each other. i would be unhappy to be seen as an androgynous adult (gender), but i would also dislike being seen as *either* a young girl or young boy as well (age).

>> bodily age

i dislike all secondary sexual characteristics on myself (body hair, chest, hips, etc), because they get me gendered and aged in a way i find deeply unnerving. i genuinely hate any signs of maturity in my body. in my fantasies i get frozen in time in my kid body, sometime before puberty started for me (around age 8-9).

sometimes i think i should be thankful that puberty wasn't as dramatic as it could've been. i look at the people around me and understand it could've been worse. much much worse, so i shouldn't be too sad. and i still get seen as younger than my chrono age. though that can't last forever and is no where near my actual age.

>> mental age

even when i am in an adult mental space, i still wish for childish things (i want my blanket, my paci, playing, my favorite toys and stuffed animals, daydreaming about cartoons and characters, reading picture books or middle grade books or coloring). it's interesting. i never fully enter an adult headspace, but i can do it for littlespace.

/sigh/ it sometimes makes it hard to function properly around "other" adults. i try to not come off as too childish because it will get commented on. deeply unpleasant. also it is necessary to be taken seriously so that you can move smoothly through life.

i initially tried to suppress this headspace because i thought it would "hold me back". and it totally did, but trying to hold back made me depressed. i can't say it's fully voluntary although i initially thought that. there are points when i have more control over my headspace, and so could be thought of as voluntary then.

there are positives and negatives. for one it's incredibly soothing when you're not smothered by an adult mask anymore. you just get to be yourself ! but it's sort of hard to start masking again when life demands it. it's almost as if i have to detach from my surroundings to muscle through it.

>> sexuality

i wonder how much being nepi-pedo contributes to my sense of age. it's got me thinking how many MAPs could be described as age dysphoric. i definitely feel that the disconnect in being chrono-older than my crushes makes me wish i were younger. also being around cute kids who are androgynous give me a mix of gender/age envy and sadness. mostly just sad.

hm, 

it makes me sad that all pictures of me from when i was a chrono-kid are in quite gendered clothing. so i cant really picture my past self that way. (i feel this should go in the "bodily age" heading where i can talk about it more).

should i really describe myself as an autopedo? while technically true in a chrono sense it feels weird to say. when i fantasize about having sex with adults & whatnot, i always see myself as my actual age not my chrono-age. when i realized that one day i found that i could imagine myself having sex or romance with someone else , and did not have to be a ghost in my fantasies anymore. it is very comforting to me.


*there was a very interesting book written by Hirschfeld i believe that detailed the sexualities of some trans-age people (i liked the omorashi bits and also the autopedo bits), i will have to find the link again it is on internet archive*



*hey you found this page! well i'm still working on it so it's just gonna be a text file for now*